Our Research Shows that Beards Are Actually Cleaner, Safer and More Fun to Sit On.
At Always Bearded Lifestyle™ we are fully aware that, out of context, the above headline sounds like a horrible pickup attempt that would only work if you were waiting for the porta-pottie at a ZZ Top Concert. However, we needed to get your attention to let you know about the latest case of online pogonophobia  that has been threatening beard growers across the globe this past week.
In case you haven’t heard, here’s the backstory:
In recent days, a vicious rumor claiming that beards have more fecal bacteria than toilet seats has been making its way through the blogosphere. This story initially turtle-headed  its way onto the scene in the form of a news report from a New Mexico ABC affiliate  wherein several men’s beards were swabbed by and sent for lab testing. The results showed that a few of the beards swabbed contained the kinds of bacteria found in fecal matter. This initial act of lazy poop-themed journalism then proceeded to explode across the internet (no doubt secretly directed by the powerful anti-beard lobby) , metaphorically smearing the bearded community with thick, nasty gobs of cyber poop.
Thankfully, many beard defenders  have already risen to the occasion, debunking the most ludicrous claims of the fat cat, beard-hating elite. Heck, even highly respected pro-beard British newspaper The Guardian has joined the cause.
We know our readers count on us to deliver the facts, so we’ve compiled the best information put forward by our pro-beard allies in recent days. So before you do anything you might regret to your own beautiful face muff, we encourage you to consider the following:
- The testing done by the ABC news station does not really count as a study by anybody’s definition. It was just a random, unscientific sampling of beards. We also think it’s a safe bet that the ones that were kind of dirty probably weren’t familiar with the many amazing beard maintenance products available through Always Bearded Lifestyle™. 
- Leaving aside the fact that this so-called study was in and of itself a big shiny turd, it’s also worth noting that the bacteria found by researchers wasn’t even poop. That’s right folks, The Guardian article points out that the bacteria found were enterics. These bacteria typically live in the intestines and are ingredients in feces, but are really just one component in the nasty butt cocktail that is human poop.
- These kinds of bacteria can be found all over your home . In fact a recent study by the BBC found that even toilet seat have relatively small amounts of fecal bacteria compared to things like cutting boards, cell phones, and computer keyboards (note to self: wash hands after finishing this blog post).
- An actual study  published in the Journal of Hospital Infection found that bearded hospital workers were actually less likely to carry certain disease causing bacteria than their clean shaven counterparts. So it’s not a stretch to say that one day, a beard might actually save your life.
- ZZ Top is playing a number of Tour Dates  across the U.S. this summer, so feel free to try out that weird pick up line, and let us know how it works for ya.
Disclaimer: While we think we’ve clearly established that the vast majority of beards are poop free, we wouldn’t really be doing our jobs without mentioning that some beards do look flat and dirty because they aren’t getting proper care. So if you don’t want your beard to look like poop, why not try some of the many fine products available through Always Bearded Lifestyle™?